layers of grief

I was talking to a friend yesterday who lost here dear, sweet mama this year too . In the middle of a Christmas cookie exchange , with everyone else ohh and ahhing over the yummy variety of cookies they'd be going home with we were standing there with tears in our eyes. We shared some of our struggles , how we are dealing and what brings on out breaking point. It was therapeutic in a strange way .
I see my dad struggling . He got a huge burst of purge energy right after my mom died . He cleaned out clothes and shoes and purses . They all went to the church so her lady friends could share and the leftovers went to a benevolence thrift store. It was fitting . Mama loved her church friends and she loved thrift shopping !
My dad has been looking at houses in Belize. Yup, seriously. I have been unsure how I feel about this . It is a long way from me and the rest of my family . Which is his only family. But today I had one of those God given epiphanies  . My beloved , Mr. Wonderful , is out of town . I won't see him again until Christmas Adam ... you know , the day before Christmas Eve. But looking around my humble little house today , missing him terribly I realized something . There is not a foot of this house that does not remind me of him and doesn't make me ache for him . His touch , his influence, his stuff is EVERYWHERE ! My husband is a neat , organized , ex-military guy. But after 25 years of marriage , there is not a bit of me that is not part of every bit of him !
My epiphany ? If the Lord were to call my hubby home , my first inclination would be to remove the few things I would want and walk away. Probably fly to Scotland , and maybe never come back.
That's not entirely a rational thought. My kids are here, grown , but they still live fairly local. My grand baby is here . My life right now pretty much revolves around her . Literally ! I check the calendar everyday and plan my day around her because I am her primary care giver while her parents hold down full time jobs .
But I can have a new found sympathy for my dads seemingly wild ideas about escaping to the beach and eternal summer .
Christmas sure has me missing my mama. And in so many ways , I know I am not alone !